I know why you’re here. You want a religious experience that will allow you to open up your third eye and see a new color, and I’m here to give it to you in the form of a soft, warm tortilla. You may be a little nervous because you’ve had a poor Taco Bell experience in the past. Maybe they forgot the lettuce? Maybe your Crunchwrap came filled with sawdust? Those are fair reasons to doubt the most authentic Mexican food chain in the entire world, but the location in Roseville Minnesota will change your outlook on life, society, and yourself.

 

THE SERVICE

 

Drive-Thru:You'll pull up to the window and notice these employees are feral with lust. Their passion exceeds all expectations of service industry standards on any professional level. Their pupils are tiny burritos, their iris’ are swirling pools of reduced-fat-sour-cream, and their brows are crunchy cinnamon twists. If you make them weep, their tears flow of nacho cheese. (for an undisclosed fee you can lick them) You will not want to make them weep though, as they are more polite and kind than even your grandmother. They'll ask how your day is going and will listen to any and all problems you may have without charging a therapist fee. They can literally do no wrong in their tiny window. I tried to fool them once, and lied about getting my order wrong. (I said they gave me an extra straw with my Baja Blast) They apologized, refunded me, gave me four-hundred dollars of scratch-off’s, and filled my gas tank. As I pulled away they shot a Burger King employee.

Five stars.

 

Dine-In: You enter this Taco Bell and the first thing you’ll notice are the priceless works of art. Fuck going to the Louvre, they have the original Mona Lisa here. (entitled: “Woman drinking a Sprite”) The second thing you’ll notice are the gorgeous and fashionable employees frolicking through their field of taco shells to greet you. (I noticed one employee sporting a shirt from the Taco Bell Fall Essentials Collection of 2021, a very rare collectable) They will wait as long as they need to for you to stop staring at their flawless beauty and collect yourself to order. After you do, they give you a smile and a wink and offer you to meet them in the back cooler while you wait for your food. Do not go, as muffled screams of terror consistently emerge from the other side. Sit down in a booth instead! While you relax, they make you feel like you’re back at home on your large L-Shaped couch watching the classic World War II epic, ‘Bridge Over the River Kwai’. After your very brief wait, they drop the food off on roller-skates and will even offer to chew it up and spit it into your mouth Baby-Bird-Style. That is my preferred method.

Five stars.

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THE FOOD

 

Holy fuck. Think of the best chef you’ve ever met, and then kill them because their minds could never produce the complexity of these flavors. The Michelin Star was invented in 1926 just for the Roseville Taco Bell, and every award afterwards has been either a copycat or an homage. (Alinea being one of the more notable ones) The sauces are evenly spread inside the burrito, with no soggy bottom filled with sour cream, and no cheese squirting out of the top. There is no mess to be made. This is important for me because I spend a lot of money on metal shirts and snake-skin belts and CANNOT afford to get them stained. You will NOT forget how it tastes. It is a holy experience. Forget going to church and eating a little chunk of bread and taking a sip of boxed red wine, you ingest Jesus in the form of beef and beans, baby. That’s not a heartburn sensation, that’s the feeling of God touching you from the inside, and he likes what he feels. On your way out, they will all wish you a great day (and you will fucking have one) and leave the towering glass doors to conquer the rest of your life.

Five stars.

 

THE DIARRHEA

 

You know what comes next, the shitting. Now, from any other Taco Bell it always comes at the most inopportune time. I once sprayed mud in public at a job interview, charity fund-raiser, and adoption meeting all in the same day. I wondered if I would have to constantly wear diapers after my daily Bell sessions? Not at this one. Every employee is a Certified Psychic who makes sure your poop only comes when it’s convenient for YOU. The last time I ate at the Roseville location, I went grocery shopping, went to the DMV, and even hit up a Six Flags Theme Park on my home. I’d never felt better running errands, and wondered where those sensations came from? Lucky for you, I took a little Taco Bell home and tested it. And yep, you guessed it–crystal meth! After returning to the sanctity of my own home, I was able to change into my silk pajamas, drink a glass of warm (expired) milk, and watch an episode of The Paul Reiser Show before getting the inevitable rumbles. No more shitting in public (even though I know some of you like that, you sick perverts) you’ll only be getting your butt split open like a cantaloupe in the privacy of your own home. After this unholy and NON-religious experience, your withered and exhausted body will head to bed for a nice eight hours of sleep.

Five stars.